You think that finding yourself again will magically shift you into a state of joy, lightness, and fulfillment, but that’s not always how it goes.
That’s because, sometimes, before we can truly “find ourselves again,” we have to grieve what caused us to get lost in the first place, as well as what’s been lost during that season.
Some of the biggest moments of clarity and coming home to myself were followed by days and evenweeks of profound grief. It didn’t make sense the first few times I experienced it, because finding myself again was supposed to be a happy thing. At least, that’s what the world (and most of the media messaging we come in contact with) tells us.
But this work is far more complex than that, and it’s crucial that we take the time and space to grieve when it comes up for us; otherwise, it can get stuck in our bodies and cause issues down the line.
If finding yourself doesn’t bring up any grief, amazing. There’s no rule that says it has to, and you’re not “doing it wrong” if all you feel is expansion, excitement, and fulfillment. But if it does bring up grief (along with that special blend of sadness and anger), I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s a very normal and common experience!
The grief of finding yourself again shows up for different reasons.
No two humans have the same experience, even if they go through the same things around the same age. Because of our childhood experiences, past traumas, core wounding, personality type, energetic wiring, and worldview, how we categorize and feel about these experiences can vary greatly. Still, there are some common root causes of getting lost in life that can bring up grief as you work on finding yourself again, and those often include:
1. Self-abandonment to people-please or stay safe.
One of the top ways we lose ourselves in this life is by conforming to other people’s expectations. And while it’s easy to tell stories about ourselves or other people when we realize this has happened, it’s crucial to remember thatevery single human being conforms to external expectations to some degree at some point in their lives.
When we’re born, up until about five to seven years old (sometimes sooner, sometimes later), the only thing available to us is our subconscious minds, which are wide open. Our conscious minds are what allow us to accept or reject information, but as wide-open tiny humans being handled by adult caretakers of all kinds, our primary directive is to stay safe and secure by feeling a sense of love and belonging, as well as “succeeding” at being “good” to those caretakers.
It’s 100% natural for us to conform to expectations, and, depending on our childhood experiences and traumas and how they form our core wounding, it’s also completely understandable why that instinctual childhood behavior leads to people-pleasing tendencies as adults. Recognizing that we’ve been living in service of other people’s goals, needs, and happiness can bring up a lot of grief, and it’s important to allow ourselves to process that in healthy ways.
2. Giving away our power to people who don’t have our best interests at heart.
We’ve all had friends, mentors, family members, teachers, or authority figures who we trusted and believed had our back, only to find out they actually didn’t. Sometimes that’s unconscious, like when people don’t realize they’re jealous or that they don’t fully understand us and are projecting their own beliefs, ideas, and expectations. Other times, it’s conscious undermining, sabotage, or acts of harm against us because they don’t want us to succeed.
Either way, the relationship dynamics (or our own projections) led us to place a lot of trust and faith in the people around us. Rather than listening to our own intuition, we started deferring to their guidance, input, expectations, opinions, or expertise.
And even if they had our best interests at heart, these people aren’t us, and they ultimately can’t discern what’s best for our lives. Realizing that we’ve given our power away and the effects it’s had on our life can bring up a tremendous amount of grief, both for the harm it caused, as well as the relationship it came from.
3. Putting all of our energy into someone or something that doesn’t give back.
Supporting, giving, and being there for other people, our jobs, or other roles in our lives isn’t a bad thing, but pouring ourselves out for others often comes at a high cost, especially when it happens for an extended period of time. Sometimes this shows up as codependency in relationships, other times it’s overworking or giving all of our time and energy to something outside ourselves that never considers or supports our wants and needs.
Whatever it may be, it’s not giving back to us in a truly fulfilling, sustainable, or fair way. That doesn’t mean we only do things for others with the expectation of something in return, just that we have to be conscious of where our precious energy goes and whether pouring into someone or something else is also positive for us.
Discovering that we’ve been giving so much of ourselves to the point that we got lost, all while getting nothing in return, can be heartbreaking. While it’s important not to shame ourselves or feel guilty about this, it is essential to feel the weight of that heartbreak and grief so we can make better choices going forward.
4. Losing aspects of self in order to step into what’s next.
Something not many people talk about is how finding yourself often means losing aspects that, while not aligned with who you’re becoming and where you’re headed, are still hard to let go of. There’s so much beauty and expansion in stepping more deeply into our purpose in life, and there can also be a lot of grief. Just like how there’s often joy and excitement about becoming an adult, parent, or spouse, right alongside a wealth of grief for the life we lived before this big change.
While it can be confusing to navigate the duality of grief and joy, it’s essential that you take time to honor both sides of this experience. Finding yourself often means losing yourself in confusing yet potent ways, and every emotion that makes itself known is healthy and wise.
5. Feeling like life stole something from us.
This is an incredibly challenging one that often shows up in the aftermath of loss or trauma because these events fundamentally alter us and our lives in some way, and there’s no going back to who we were before after we cross that threshold. The most difficult versions of this grief come after experiences that are thrust onto us unexpectedly or against our wishes, and they require a whole lot of tenderness and care.
Whatever happened, it was difficult and disorienting, and it’s imperative that you take the time to process the experience and its effects on cellular and somatic levels. Not doing so will slowly diminish your health and your quality of life, and make finding yourself again nearly impossible. Because part of finding yourself when it feels like life stole something from you unexpectedly and unwantedly is getting to know how the experience shaped you and your purpose in life.
Whether you’re experiencing one of the five types of grief that come with finding yourself, or you’re navigating something different, I promise you’re not alone.
We live in a culture that avoids “hard” conversations and emotions, and the purpose, personal development, and healing industries heavily prioritize “positive” conversations.
But grief is positive, even if it’s gutwrenching. It’s a sign that you care, that you love, and that you desire things. Grief is a normal and healthy emotion, and everything expansive that you desire is on the other side of feeling and processing that grief in healthy and productive ways.
No matter how isolating it feels, you’re not the only one going through it. And that’s exactly why we put together this article, to help you and others know that grief while finding yourself is completely normal.
Read Field Notes for the Dark Night of the Soul:
Find meaning in your challenging experiences, learn to trust the process, and step more deeply into your purpose.
Here are 5 real-life experiences (with advice!) on how to navigate the grief that comes with finding yourself.
1. Acknowledge the presence and impact of grief.
I’ve been knocked off course more times than I’d like to admit, but most significantly when I was forced to leave a 16-year career as an Air Traffic Controller to pursue a role working on an Antarctic research station. What followed was a period of unemployment, financial uncertainty, and stepping into parenthood, which invited me to redefine my identity and start again in my 40s.
The number one thing that helped me find my way back wasn’t resilience or positivity; it was acknowledging the impact of grief and getting in touch with my core values.
Letting myself properly grieve the loss of who I thought I was “meant” to be gave me the space to explore what I “could” be. Finding clarity around what was driving me at my core helped point me in a direction that was meaningful and stay the course despite the challenges and uncertainty.
Only after acknowledging and beginning to process grief and the emotional component that was keeping me stuck, did clarity emerge. Purpose showed up through honest self-reflection and a willingness to ask: “If this chapter is over, what does it make possible next?”
My advice to someone going through something equally disorienting: Don’t rush to reinvent yourself. First, acknowledge what’s been lost. Identity isn’t something you discard and replace; it’s something you renegotiate and reinvent. Purpose isn’t found by forcing answers, but by doing the uncomfortable internal work and letting meaning catch up to you. Sometimes being knocked off course isn’t failure, but an opportunity to focus on what’s truly important.
Sean Menere
Registered Counsellor (ACA) at Solid Foundations
www.solidfoundations.au
2. Sit with the discomfort of your grief.
When my brother, Jared, was killed in a road accident, the single most important factor in finding myself again was shifting from frantic resistance to calm focus, becoming a ‘Peaceful Warrior’, and learning to sit in the discomfort of grief rather than fighting it.
My advice to anyone feeling disoriented is to stop trying to force a clear path forward and instead focus on the moment right in front of them. I found that turning personal pain into a collective purpose for the community was the anchor that eventually pulled me back to myself, and as the founder of the Jared Dunscombe Foundation, I’ve realised that tragedy can create a massive positive impact that’s far bigger than myself.
Jonelle Colabufalo
Co-founder and CEO of The Jared Dunscombe Foundation
jdf.org.au
3. Give yourself permission to feel the grief.
My most ‘purpose-generating’ knock off in life was after moving to China, having the 5th miscarriage, and becoming financially dependent for the first time in my life, six years ago.
The number one thing that helped me, and which I’ve built my coaching business on, is acceptance. Or in other words, giving myself permission to feel the grief, be overwhelmed by the dependence, without shaming, blaming, or judging myself.
Anna Thellmann
Conscious Relationship Designer
www.annathellmann.com
4. Don’t rush finding clarity.
The number one thing that helped me find myself again was accepting that disorientation wasn’t a failure; it was information. I stopped trying to ‘fix’ my life quickly and instead built a quiet structure that included daily movement, fewer inputs, honest journaling, and long walks where I wasn’t trying to optimise anything.
Purpose didn’t arrive as a revelation; it re-emerged once I slowed down enough to hear myself again. My advice to anyone going through something similar is this: don’t rush clarity. Reduce noise, keep one small promise to yourself every day, and trust that steadiness comes before direction, not after.
Deepak Shukla
Founder and CEO of Pearl Lemon
www.pearllemon.com
5. Begin by coming home to yourself, one step at a time.
My life has been shaped by two defining moments that knocked me completely off course and ultimately led me to my purpose. The first was the death of my mother when I was young. Her passing shattered my world. I didn’t just lose a parent, I lost my sense of safety, belonging, and direction. I carried deep grief for many years with no tools to understand what was happening in my body or mind. Searching for relief, I began studying aromatherapy, massage, and energy healing. What started as a way to survive my grief became the beginning of my lifelong path into body-based healing. That loss planted the seed of the work I would one day offer others.
Years later, in midlife, my marriage ended, and I became solely responsible for raising my five children. Once again, the life I knew collapsed. Emotionally, financially, and physically, I entered survival mode. My nervous system was overwhelmed, my health declined, and my sense of identity dissolved. It felt like standing in the ashes of a life that no longer existed.
The number one thing that helped me find myself again was learning to listen to my body rather than override it. I stopped trying to think my way out of pain and began to feel my way through it. I learned how the nervous system holds stress, grief, and fear, and how small daily practices could restore safety and clarity from the inside out.
From that place, I retrained and gained two professional qualifications in somatic therapy and counselling. I rebuilt my health through a consistent nutrition and lifestyle protocol that restored my energy and focus. I created stable housing for my children and eventually purchased my own home. I built a business that supports women in healing their nervous systems after burnout, grief, and major life transitions. What once felt like destruction became the foundation of a new life.
Today, I live with more purpose and inner stability than I ever imagined possible. My work is devoted to helping women who feel knocked off course remember that they are not broken. They are being invited into a deeper version of themselves.
My advice to anyone in a disorienting season is simple: Slow down. Listen to your body. Seek support that feels safe and consistent. You do not need to rebuild everything at once. You begin by coming home to yourself, one small step at a time.
Briony Montgomery
Somatic Therapist
www.thesomatherapycollective.com
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach for navigating the grief that comes with finding yourself.
But the throughline? Don’t avoid it.
The grief can be small and subtle, or it can be debilitating and overwhelming. It’s impossible for anyone to know what an “appropriate” size for grief is, because it varies wildly. Having big grief around something that feels easy or exciting to others doesn’t say anything about you other than you’re a different person than they are. Just like having no grief when others are feeling broken beyond repair.
Grief is a deeply individual experience and depends entirely on your relationship with the people, things, roles, or aspects of self that are changed as you work to find yourself. Trust your journey and your process. As long as it’s not avoidance, harmful toward yourself or others, or stewing and getting stuck in the emotions, the grief of finding yourself again is healthy and good.
Are you ready to do the work of finding yourself again?
Here are two options to get started:
Read our in-depth guide on finding yourself:
This free in-depth article walks you through the process, with 34 questions to spark the journey home to yourself.
Read Field Notes for the Dark Night of the Soul:
Find meaning in your challenging experiences, learn to trust the process, and step more deeply into your purpose.
