How to Know Your True Self: Reclaiming the Parts You Lost Along the Way

If you’re wondering how to know your true self, especially after a season of struggle or feeling lost, reclaiming parts is powerful work.

First off, what is your “true self”?

Your true self is often referred to as your authentic self, meaning your real and genuine self. The version of self at your core, buried beneath a lifetime of social and systemic conditioning, unresolved trauma, subconscious programming, and a whole lot of life experiences that have kept you distracted, overwhelmed, and disconnected from yourself.

It’s part of your purpose in life, which has two aspects:

If you’re asking how to know your true self, what you’re really asking on a deeper level is, “How do I return to that seed of purpose that lives within me so that I can show up in my fullest expression?”

You’re feeling lost, and in many ways, you are.

As we navigate this world and its many harmful and oppressive systems, we lose parts of ourselves. This is especially true when we walk through challenging chapters and big life transitions, because these are majorly “disorienting dilemmas,” as Stephen Cope calls them.

Big and small traumas, toxic and abusive relationships, grief and loss, moving and changing careers, financial stress and the neverending need to produce and work to survive under capitalism… not to mention growing up in some version of an educational system that’s intentionally designed to strip us of who we are… and it’s a wonder anyone manages to find their way back to their true self!

The good news is that no matter how much the world may sway you away from that seed of purpose within, it’s never lost or destroyed.

There’s always a path back to knowing your true self, and everything you’ve experienced along the way has shaped you more fully into the person you need to be to make a meaningful contribution to the world.

How to Know Your True Self: 3 Simple Steps to Start Reclaiming the Parts of Yourself You’ve Lost

1. Figure out which parts are meant to be reclaimed.

This can feel confusing, I know.

If the seed of our purpose can never be lost or destroyed, then why wouldn’t we be working to reclaim all parts of ourselves?

That’s because the work of reconnecting to the seed of our purpose is about deconditioning ourselves from social and systemic influences, so that we can hear and feel ourselves again—so we can tap back into our intuition, our truth, our inner knowing, and our soul-level callings.

As we live our lives in these present times, we have a series of experiences, relationships, and losses that shape us, as well as the way our purpose wishes to express itself. As we’re shaped, we develop and evolve parts of ourselves in response. And like our relationships, these parts can be for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Here are some examples:

• If we developed a part in response to trauma, that trauma may shape how our purpose wants to express itself (like creating a deeper interest in healing), but that wounded, defensive, or fearful part is something we need to heal and release to live our fullest expression. This part was formed for a reason, but ideally won’t last a lifetime.
• If we’re working at a corporate job for a period of time, that environment and role may shape how our purpose wants to express itself (like connecting us to a passion for leadership and innovation). However, the bureaucratic, sales-focused part of us may not lend itself to working in smaller, creative nonprofits. So, it needs to be released or evolve for us to thrive in our new role. This part was formed for a season, but it isn’t needed for a lifetime.
• If our seed of purpose and inherent wiring is to be creative, but our life, relationships, and experiences landed us in a career that took us away from it (like becoming a lawyer because our parents insisted), that creative part of ourself needs to be reclaimed for us to live our purpose in life and connect with our true self. This part is for a lifetime.

This requires a tremendous amount of self-awareness and discernment, as it takes time to fully decondition from external inputs and break free from the limitations of our systemically influenced beliefs. Until we do this work, we may struggle to accurately discern which parts of ourselves need to be healed and released, which parts need to be retired because they’re no longer relevant, and which parts need to be reclaimed.

2. Determine if it’s time to reclaim those parts.

Just because you want to, doesn’t mean you’re ready!

Sometimes we can’t reclaim parts of ourselves because we’re still too deeply entrenched with social and systemic influences, or we’re limited by past traumas and fears. Even more common, if we haven’t done the work to untangle from our subconscious winning strategy, it’s very unlikely that we’ll be able to reclaim them, even if we really want to.

One way you can tell that it’s not time is if you feel like you’re repeatedly bumping into a wall where there used to be a door. You’re trying to get back to that part of yourself, but you keep failing, self-sabotaging, or it feels like your body doesn’t remember how to use a limb.

It’s just not working!

If this feels true for you, simply hold the desire in your heart and focus on what steps you need to take to be ready.

Sometimes, we need more awareness and understanding.

Sometimes, we need help to process old traumas to create leverage.

Sometimes, we need to repattern our subconscious mind so we can think, be, and act differently, creating more aligned outcomes.

Trust the process and your timing.

3. Think about how to evolve rather than “going back.”

If you’re asking how to know your true self and doing the work to reclaim parts, you’ve likely changed somewhere along the way.

You’ve gone through something, healed old wounds and traumas, or learned and become a new iteration of yourself. There’s no going back to who you were before—be that a week, a year, or a decade ago—so you have to evolve that part in the direction of who you’re becoming.

You have to find a balance between the old and the new.

Start by asking yourself questions like:

• What aspects of this part feel like they should stay the same?
• What feels outdated or not quite right?
• What would be more aligned instead?
• How can this old part play nicely with new parts?
• What does that look like specifically?

Approach this step with curiosity, not frustration. It’s like reaquainting yourself with a friend you haven’t seen in years. You know them, but you also don’t anymore. Be open and curious about this part and how it wants to show up right now, rather than fixating on how it was.

If you’re wondering how to know your true self, just keep in mind that reclaiming takes time.

It doesn’t happen all at once because it’s like hopping on a bicycle after years of being away (while also spending all that away time becoming a pro rock climber and using completely different muscles!)

You have a whole new way of being and moving through the world, and it takes some time to find your bearings with the old while figuring out how the new fits into the mix.

Give yourself grace and be patient with the process.