If you’re asking how to get to know yourself, you’re likely feeling lost in your life to some degree, and there’s a good chance that external expectations are woven in somewhere at the root.
That’s because external expectations, influences, and inputs are the only things we have access to until our conscious minds come online around five to seven years old, sometimes later.
Our conscious mind gives us the ability to accept and reject information, but even then, we’ve already had several foundational years where external expectations were the only forces shaping us.
Why do we experience a loss of identity?
Systems are designed by and built for specific sets of people based on their beliefs, values, ways of being, and, often, unresolved generational traumas. They’re inherently biased, causing those who are different inside that system to suffer in varying ways.
When we’re “other” inside of systems, it’s especially traumatic, and in order to survive and stay safe, we conform to their rules.
Let’s take a closer look at the systems that create a loss of identity before our conscious minds and awareness of self even come online:
Family systems comprise our entire life and our ability to survive in the world. These are our parents, siblings, caregivers, and attachment figures who are responsible for us.
Cultural systems also have a significant influence on our family systems, bringing with them customs and beliefs surrounding food, artistic expression, language, and spirituality.
Religious systems have literal rules for what we can and cannot do, what’s acceptable and what’s not, and are often instilled through the use of dominion, fear, and shame.
Educational systems are often intentionally designed to strip us of our individuality and shape us to be effective workers within larger systems of society and commerce.
Social systems become present as we grow and are typically composed of a small group of peers within related familial, cultural, religious, and educational systems, adding another channel for those systems to influence us and our beliefs.
Whatever these influences believe is what we’re shaped to believe, and we don’t have the mechanism in place to counter those beliefs or shape our own. So, whether we like the term “limiting beliefs” or not, it’s factual. Our belief systems about ourselves, others, and the world are inherently narrow and shaped over a short period by a limited number of people.
If you’re wondering how to get to know yourself, then you’re likely at a point in life where you’re beginning to decondition from these deeply set influences and belief systems. That’s great news because now you get to choose new beliefs and ways of being for yourself—consciously and intentionally—and get to know yourself on a deeper level.
This is life purpose development work, and it helps us come home to the seed of our purpose (who we’re here to be) so that we can live our right purpose expression (doing the work we’re here to do, which isn’t necessarily how we pay our bills).
What does it mean to get to know yourself?
Getting to know yourself is a form of alignment work.
We’re always in alignment; the question is, with what?
And if the question we’re wrestling with is “how to get to know yourself,” what we’re aligned with is likely other people’s expectations—real or perceived, direct or indirect, conscious or unconscious. We’ve been aligning with what the systems demand of us, have taught us to value and prioritize, or what our subconscious mind believes will keep us safe, secure, successful, loved, and part of a group of people we belong with.
If you want to get to know yourself, you have to do the deeper alignment work, including taking the time to understand:
Your personality type: Understanding our personality type helps us recognize our deeper core wounds, fixations, and motivations, all of which drive us on a core level. Not understanding these things keeps us stuck in unconscious patterns and potentially wasting time chasing misaligned goals. Each type has “stress” and “growth” directions, indicating where we might get stuck in fear versus how we can expand into a more aligned life. Understanding these aspects is crucial to getting to know ourselves.
Your unique energetic wiring. Energetics are the frequency at which we vibrate. While it’s tempting to brush this concept off as “woo-woo” and ungrounded, everything in our universe vibrates at varying frequencies. This isn’t just a metaphor; it’s physics. This is why we can “feel” someone’s presence before they speak or sense the weight of a tense room without a word being said. Our energy, influenced by our emotions, thoughts, environment, and physiology, is both a scientific reality and an experiential one. Our unique energetic wiring reveals how our energy is designed to flow, how we best make decisions, and how we can align with our unique purpose in the most effortless and fulfilling way.
Your subconscious winning strategy. This subconscious strategy causes us to compensate for what we believe is impossible and operate in particular ways to ensure an attainable level of safety, security, success, love, and belonging. We have no idea this strategy has formed or its influence on everything we do. It shapes the way we experience the world, what we listen or watch for in every situation, how we’re most likely to act in response, and what we seek to feel or avoid so that we can be sure we’re “winning” at the game of life to some acceptable degree.
Your unresolved traumas. Trauma is one of the top ways that life shapes us, and traumatic experiences often crack us open to our true purpose (who we’re here to be), revealing deeper callings around which our purpose wishes to express itself (the work we’re here to do). Trauma is preverbal, which means our trauma response is in effect before our conscious mind even registers what’s happening. This directly affects our subconscious mind and can further reinforce negative beliefs, fears, core wound stories, and self-doubt. It can also add new ones, instantly altering our worldview and sense of self.
It’s crucial to note that understanding these aspects of yourself doesn’t automatically bring you into alignment or answer the big questions of who you are and who you’re here to be.
That said, they can show you how to get to know yourself by presenting opportunities for deconditioning from external expectations and systemic influences that have kept you from knowing yourself.
So, how can you get to know yourself?
While there’s a lot that goes into getting to know yourself, one of the most important places to start when we’re struggling with this work is to create space from those external influences. You may consider the following:
Stop doing things you don’t have to do. When we’re still under the influence of external expectations, much of what we do in our day-to-day is a result of that conditioning. Unless it feels intuitively aligned for us or is something we’re committed to for whatever reasons, it may make the most sense to stop for a while. That may include our recreational sports, volunteer positions, or events that we regularly attend out of habit or with others.
Stop consuming for a while. This can include everything from reading books and blogs to scrolling social media to watching TV or movies and listening to podcasts, and it depends entirely on what’s right for each of us individually. Consumption in any of these forms is input, and depending on our subconscious winning strategy, core wounds, unresolved traumas, personality type, and energetic wiring, these seemingly innocent inputs can skew our sense of self and reinforce misaligned and limiting beliefs.
Disconnect from online groups. Whether it’s social media, online groups, programs, or forums like Reddit, these online spaces are filled with other people, and other people are great at projecting, shaming, judging, and otherwise influencing us. It can be challenging to hear our own thoughts and get a sense of how we actually feel about different things when we’re constantly inside these echo chambers, especially if they’ve been a pillar in our life.
Take space in your relationships. This can feel scary, but it’s one of the most productive ways we can begin to decondition from external influences and tap back into our own inner knowing. We’ve all heard the saying that we’re the average of the five people we spend the most time with, and it can be true for many (though in reality, it depends entirely on our personality and energetic wiring, as some types are more likely to influence, even unconsciously, while others are more susceptible to influence). Taking space in our relationships is about creating space for ourselves, and doesn’t have to mean anything “negative” about the relationship itself. Ideally, we’re surrounded by other individuals who respect us and our needs, and this is simply a matter of sharing that we’re doing some work on ourselves and will be a bit less engaged and available for a window of time.
Spend more time alone. Sitting in the void and learning to be with only ourselves is crucial, regardless of whether we’re extroverted (meaning we recharge by being around people) or introverted (meaning we recharge by being alone). Rather than finding new ways to fill the space we create, we need to spend that time with ourselves. Sitting with whatever thoughts or feelings surface and processing them in real-time without external influence or input. Purpose coaches, therapists, and mentors all have their place, and it’s up to each of us to discern when we need professional support. However, it can also be way too easy to give our power away to those people. They’re other humans, after all, which means they can guide us from their own biases, projections, interpretations, beliefs, values, and fears.
Keep in mind that none of this has to be forever!
Taking space from anything listed above (and anything else that feels aligned) doesn’t mean we’re cutting those things out of our lives. It simply means that we’re hitting pause and creating more space for ourselves, allowing us to get to know who we are without any external input.
As you spend more time with yourself, find the reflection exercise that works best for you. That might be daily journaling, meditation, prayer, walking in nature, or something else. Whatever it is, what’s important is that it gives you time to check in with your thoughts and feelings.
Once you find that practice, here are…
19 questions for how to get to know yourself:
- What do I believe to be true about myself, and who taught me that? Does it truly resonate with me as the person I am now?
- What do I believe to be true about other people, and who taught me that? Does it truly resonate with me as the person I am now?
- What do I believe to be true about the world, and who taught me that? Does it truly resonate with me as the person I am now?
- If I didn’t have to worry about disappointing anyone, what would I do differently in my life, work, and relationships?
- If I weren’t afraid of rejection, how would I show up in the world?
- If I could change anything about myself or my life, without being shamed or made wrong, what would I change?
- If I wouldn’t lose anyone or anything I love, who would I be?
- When was the last time I felt most like myself?
- What are the things that make me feel lit up inside, whether that presents as satisfaction, joy, peace, success, or something else?
- If I had all of my needs met, how would I spend my time?
- What makes me feel genuinely happy?
- What do I find interesting?
- What excites me?
- What do I wish the adults in my life let me do more of as a child?
- What does it mean to me to live a meaningful life?
- If I knew I only had a year left to live, how would I spend my time?
- Do I have any relationships that feel like a block to knowing myself fully? What would I do, or who would I be, if I weren’t in those?
- What in my life doesn’t feel like me, even if I can’t explain why?
- What in my life feels like me, even if I can’t explain why?
Read our book on finding your purpose in life!
Explore the deeper truths within your soul, realign yourself with who you’re meant to be in this life, and find more meaning in the thread you’ve been weaving.
How long does it take to find out who you truly are?
Answering the question of how to get to know yourself is easier than the work of actually getting to know yourself, as the latter is a lifelong journey. That doesn’t mean it’s a fruitless endeavor and that you’ll never know yourself! It just means that we’re always becoming more of ourselves as life experiences and the times we live in continue to shape us.
Our purpose in life has two parts:
The seed of our purpose has been hard-coded into us since before we were born, and it can be uncovered by engaging with the four areas outlined above in whatever capacity feels most aligned, be that with a coach, a program, or through our process.
Our purpose expression evolves as we do and can shift over years or rather suddenly after challenging chapters and big life transitions. That means there’s always some level of self-discovery that we can engage in. And while we don’t believe in “shoulding” on others, the reality is that if we choose not to engage in this ongoing work, we often stagnate.
Starting with deconditioning from external influences, processing stored traumas out of our bodies, and repatterning our subconscious minds gives us tremendous leverage to start moving differently in life.
And by moving differently, we can begin to uncover our purpose in life, living more in alignment with the truth of who we are and in ways that feel deeply resonant.
Looking for ways to connect with your true self?
Getting to know yourself doesn’t have to be difficult, and there are several ways to pursue this work regardless of your present circumstances or available resources (time, money, energy, etc.)
If you need additional support answering how to get to know yourself, we recommend checking out…
Read our book on finding your purpose in life!
Explore the deeper truths within your soul, realign yourself with who you’re meant to be in this life, and find more meaning in the thread you’ve been weaving.
